TRAVEL ADVISORY: There have been reports of excessive Shredded Chamois Throwing in the town of Whine Region. Sore legs, mechanicals, bad-luck and frequent bouts of lame excuses have been witnessed. Non-Sufferlandrians are warned not to visit this area. If you are a non-Sufferlandrian, you probably couldn’t handle the sight and you, like many foreigners, might mistake the Shredded Chamois for a quaint air freshener, take it home and hang it in your living room. If you do go to the Whine Region, make sure your windows are rolled up and that you’ve done your intervals.
It rises some 30,000ft above Lactic Acid Sea level, the glow of its volcanic crater visible for thousands of miles. It is Mt. Sufferlandria: The most imposing peak in the range of rocky fangs that form the Sufferlandrian Alps.
But this fiery beast comes from humble beginnings. When the Sufferlandrian people first began to carve out their place in this tortured landscape, what was to become Mt. Sufferlandria was a lava-filled fissure in the rock. As the early Sufferlandrians flogged themselves in their bike torture chambers, they suffered mightily. But their turbo trainers suffered more. In Sufferlandrians vs. Machines, the machines always lose.
So, when the trainers crumbled and folded from the constant abuse, Sufferlandrians offered them in sacrifice to the fiery well. Over the years the number of trainers laid waste by relentless punishment grew so large that it created a large mound around the crater. Within a generation it towered above the surrounding villages. Soon it dwarfed the neighboring mountains. With each Sufferlandrian victory it continues to grow. At current rates it is expected to reach the stratosphere by the 2017 Tour of Sufferlandria.
Amber Waves of Pain: The Elevated Heartland of the Sufferlandrian Interior
To the East of Mt Sufferlandria, beyond the scree field of broken turbo trainers, lies the great Sufferlandrian breadbasket: Amber waves of pain, as far as the eye can see. Once, this vast grassland was home to enormous herds of fire-breathing, Sufferlandrian wildebeests. Early Sufferlandrians depended upon these mighty ungulates for their livelihood, and every part of the noble animal was put to use. From their bones were fashioned some of the first turbo trainers. Their coarse, scratchy hides were perfectly suited for use as a race-day chamois. To quote a Sufferlandrian proverb:
“To race is to suffer. To race in a chamois of wildebeest hide is to suffer nobly.”
But their numbers have dwindled. The land has been plowed under to feed the growing population of pain-hungry Sufferlandrians. Those who work the land are rugged Sufferlandrian farmers, true salt-encrusted-jersey-of-the-earth men and women.
The Sufferlandrian Coast
To quote a famous Sufferlandrian slacker and bon-vivant,
“Rest is good. For separating intervals.”
When the locals want to cut loose and let their heart rates return to somewhat human levels, where do they go? The Sufferlandrian Coast. White sand beaches, crystal blue waters, froofy drinks festooned with umbrellas: None of these things exist here at all. What you will find is the glorious expanse of the great Lactic Acid Sea, stretching before you like the hopelessness of your competitors’ chances for victory. Paddleboats! Ice cream! Limbo contests! None of that! Only Chamois Dancing.
While others work for the weekends, Sufferlandrians work until the weak ends.
At the center of the Lactic Acid Sea is a violent, roiling vortex. It is the Downward Spiral, Sufferlandria’s answer to the Bermuda Triangle. All who come close are sucked into its icy depths, tossed around like a ragdoll, and spit back out, their legs as rubbery as overcooked Sufferlandrian tagliatelle. Chunks of French cobblestones swirl around its watery tentacles, battering those foolish enough to draw near until they are bloodied and senseless. The SS L’enfer du Nord runs pleasure-less cruises to the Downward Spiral several times daily, leaving from the Marina in A Very Dark Place. Visit the Port of Blender Tourist Kiosk for departure times, prices, and a good flogging.